Judging by the trajectory of the sun...

I'd say you don't have a clue what you're talking about.

-------

Our school paper, The Daily, does not (to my minor disappointment) have a comics section.  There are only a couple I find funny with any consistency, so it wasn't that big of a deal anyway.  But while I was munching on fish, I noticed someone had left their copy of The Daily sitting on the counter.  There was no-one else in the restaurant, so I assumed whoever had been reading it was finished.

I pulled the paper over and opened it up, intent on perusing the classifieds.  I was hoping to find some unfortunate local business that would be willing to let me mooch off their precious resources, in return for a couple of petty chores.  Imagine my surprise when I found something better than comics to tweak my funny bone.

The column, "Star-bred fate", is a horoscope, if you hadn't guessed from the title.  The author, a self-proclaimed 'diviner', inadvertently made that lunchtime much more amusing than most people normally attribute to a meal.  Some of it may be intentional, but I think much of the hilarity came from the total absurdity of his so-called 'divinations'.  And now, without further adieu, some samples from "Star-bred fate".

(And for those of you out there who actually believe this kind of junk, don't fear! These expired weeks ago, so I doubt any of it applies to you.  Then again, if you really want to work yourself into a tizzy-fit over it, give me a call.  Around 12:30 in the afternoon would be great, I need some more laughing lunches.)

---

Aries
Have you ever run with scissors, Aries? The chances of you gouging out that pair of vital organs you so depend on is very low.
(That partially explains why I saw about 20 students and an elderly professor dashing across Red Square, wielding those nasty needle-point scissors! And since when were the chances high to begin with?)

Gemini
Today is Thursday.  It will help you at a party tonight to remember this lesson from the god Thor, who so lent his name to this day.  Thor was once challenged by the giant Utgard-loke to drink all the mead from a horn.  Thor failed, as the horn was actually connected to the ocean, but he drank so much that the tides changed.  The only tide that will be affected by your attempting the same feat with a keg will be manifested in the ebb and flow of your vomit.
(Besides being rather lengthy, and comparing two completely uncorrelated concepts, what on earth is this supposed to mean? I'd be willing to bet all these Gemini people stayed home from parties that night, while everyone else got drunk without vomiting.  Honestly, ridiculous.)

Scorpio
Track your progress by making a tally each time you study for longer than 30 minutes this week.  Erase a tally for each day you do not spend one hour in recreation, with another human being, in person.  The stars will tell you that the highest personal satisfaction lies between a total of seven and 10.
(Random advice aside, how does this apply only to a certain group of people? You'd think other people *outside* the group of Scorpios have this problem as well.  Obviously not.)

Pisces
Oh, no, Pisces, no.  Had a bit of a reprieve from the cruel eye of the greater spheres? Felt things picking up for you? A run of luck, perhaps? Nay, dear friend, nay.  An abysmal failure rides ever closer to you on the winds of the future.
(The Pisces who read this were so frightened, they stayed at home, claiming sick in bed.  They were then fired from their jobs, or thrown from their respective courses, for lack of recent attendance.  Ironic?)

---

These were the best four of the twelve.  Again, if you actually take these seriously... go home, scrub your brain, then come back and tell me you actually think that the crossing of two heavenly bodies from the line of sight of our relatively insignificantly sized planet actually has any cosmic significance on one person's life.  It'll make for a fantastic silly supper.


Author's note: Please do realize that while the horoscope entries are indeed unedited from their original form, the parenthetical commentary is over-exaggerated in order to make a point.  No, I didn't see anyone running with scissors.  In fact, the only scissors I've seen for a long time are my own.  And everyone loves to borrow them.